Pre-Natal Depression

I wish I 'loved' every moment of my pregnancy, this photo that I commented with:

"After being told I look chubby, I have put on weight and my hair looks like I should be playing the role of Hamlet. I would like to say, f*** you. I'm beautiful and pregnant."

Goes to show you that I very much listened to everyone's comments, to the point where I had very low self-esteem and just wanted to die in a hole. I hated it. I hated waking up looking at myself (this fat, wobbly, chunky woman with hair coming out everywhere) and just sighing thinking "Why aren't other woman like this?" Everyone I knew who were mothers-to-be were happy, beautiful, glowing and just, lets be honest, they were MILFs.

But that was at the very middle of the 9 month torture, the beginning was... WORSE!

The day I found out I was pregnant, was ironically a really bad day "insert Bad Day by Daniel Powter", where I was nearly pick-pocketed at the train station, it was pissing it down with rain, I had chronic (what I thought were period) pains and I got soaked by a twatish car running over a big puddle.

Once I got home, of my housemates had a friend over who was 8 weeks pregnant, and she had a BEAUTIFUL bump (I wonder how she is nowadays?).

Well, I looked on Facebook and found my friends all going out and I felt rather upset (at this point, my housemate and her friend thought I was jealous that she was pregnant which I wasn't) and went online privately to research '3 day period pains... but no period' and the first pointer that was suggested was 'Pregnancy' and I thought "I have one test on me now, it won't be the reason.. But it will clear that suggestion".

There I was, weeing with pride, weeing with confidence thinking "NAHHH" and when I placed the stick of fortune on the sink, I sorted myself out and looked at the result....

F***.

What.

I went running down the stairs and screamed "OH MY GOD, I'M PREGNANT!!!!"

I cried. I called my best friend Ellie first for reassurance.

I called my Mum to say she was right (she thought I was pregnant)

I called my Nan to tell her the news and the first thing she said was "Oh Fuck".

So yeah.

Oh Andy? I messaged him about 10 times asking him to come to mine from work and he FINALLY came at 1am to find out he was going to be a dad. He looked at me when I placed the test on his hands (cleaned obviously, I'm not skanky) and he looked a me with glacey eyes and said "aww, really?"

- Everything was scary yet exciting at the same time. -

WHY IS 'MORNING SICKNESS' CALLED 'MORNING SICKNESS'?

Who ever invented that term was an asshole and completely WRONG. I had missed SOO many lectures because every moment I thought I felt better... I was worse. Morning till night. The second Dr I saw after the first Dr (who was a pompus-asshole and only told me the basics) said that the severe morning sickness was signs for twins or a girl. And (advice no.1) have ginger nuts, I could not stop taking them to University, other than the big cartons of strawberry milkshake I ALWAYS craved. Not just any milkshake, the McDonalds Thickshakes.

YES. I had Andy go to Subway or McDonalds in the morning to get me what I wanted. We lived in Plymouth, so everything was accessible.

University was ridiculously hard, I could only just write "The. Dog. Went. For. A. Walk." for my dissertation because baby brain took over and it hasn't changed since.

I ended up with what I thought was a 2:2 and so I became jealous of everyone who got a first.

Because of this, I felt like a failure. I hated myself even more. Who would want a mum who was so fucking thick that she couldn't be as good as everyone else? Why?

Who am I? If I'm not good at Theatre then WHAT AM I F***ING GOOD AT?

With these never ending questions on my mind, I then started questioning Andy's love for me. Does he even love me? Will he be like the rest and leave me? Will he be revolted by my body and look at other women for pleasure?

Will he leave me for an artist?

- - - - - - - - - - - - - -

That last question haunted me.

I was constantly worried. I became the person I use to be and wanted to never be again.

And mostly everyday I had something to cry about. I hated it. I hated me.

I felt like I was too ugly for the whole world too see, although I'd have the odd afternoons where I'd learn to play my ukulele and feel like 'I have a future and my daughter will develop a love for the arts'.

I loved Boniver more than I have ever loved someone before, kicking me into shape when I was worrying and making me feel like I was going to be an amazing mother. I was SOO excited to meet her.

My graduation came around, and I was HUGE! Nothing but water tension. But I looked and did amazing for a very pregnant woman (a dissertation, 2 major performances, moving house twice and now graduating). I was so proud of myself. Cool 2:2. I did it. I could have failed but I tried everything.

I went up to collect my certificate, I saw everyone in the crowd looking and judging me. But I looked down my nose at them. I AM A MOTHER AND I JUST DID MY DEGREE WITH PRIDE!

Once I opened by envelope, I was very flippant with what it said until Freya asked what I got and she smiled and said "Mate. That's a 2:1." I cried. No way. I asked my other friend who sat next to me in the ceremony agreed.

F***. I got a 2:1.

I'm so proud of myself.

I told Andy.

He was proud of me.

I told my closest friend at Uni, Courtenay.

She was proud of me.

I was so so happy and loved myself that one day.

But for the most days of the 9 months. I cried. I wanted it to end.

With my depression, I turned to CBT where I had Hannah who rang me for my 'therapy sessions' who helped me for the rest of my time being a mother-to-be. I really advise this if you're going through the same thing.

This had been an experience for me. I have learnt about people, friend who are really true friends, my relationship with my family, my relationship with Andy and my connection with myself.

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Until the morning of the 7th October 2016.