Being Legally High Was So Nice.

(The picture above is a David Shrigley image I posted straight after giving birth.)

Being pregnant had it's struggles... The worst? The food you can't eat.

And for me, my LOVE for Lush products. I LOVED things that smelt nice, and for some reason, my addiction for Lush became quite worrying. Like a Heroin addict, I couldn't stop spending my money there! Mostly my student money!

The problem with pregnancy is the sleeping, and the stuff that helps sleep and keeping calm was made out of undiluted rose, citrus and lavender (which can apparently induce labour).

And not ONLY that, but most of my pregnancy was being forced to eat stupidly loads of Pineapple. At first, I craved the taste of Sex on The Beach, but obviously alcohol is out of the questions, so ironically, it was a Virgin on The Beach that Andy would make me at work.

Along with this, my Nan started subscribing to Gurgle and Mother And Baby magazines where she read a blog about 'eating more fruit can make your baby smarter'. And so she took that to the next level. Everyday I ate pineapple. I am now sick of pineapple.

Late September came about, Braxton Hicks hurt like hell but no signs. I ate curries, again pains but no contractions. My other-half and I moved into a new flat. I moved as much as I could, walked up and down the steps to the first floor flat and still nothing.

Girls, if nothing is happening, there is one thing I can assure you that works... Sex.

Sex is pleasurable for you and the hormones give off positive emotions to your baby, so WIN WIN!

It was 3:30am on Friday 7th October 2016 when I woke up thinking I literally had a bowling ball pressuring on my pelvis and I URGENTLY NEEDED A WEE! So I went for my normal early morning wee, I wiped myself and flushed the chain, washers my hands and trickle... Shit I wet myself (hormones make a dip inside where a teaspoon amount of urine can be stored) . Oh, I need to wee again.

So I went for another wee, wiped myself clean, flushed and went to wash my hands when suddenly...

GUSH!

Shit.

Water fell through my pants and out of my vagina.

Worryingly I shouted "ANDY!"

Shot straight up from his sleep he said bluntly and sleepy said "What's wrong?"

I replied "I wet myself twice, it's clear and it doesn't smell."

Instantly, he said "Ring the midwives"

I replied emotionally and scared "WHAT IF I'M WASTING THEIR TIME?! WHAT IF IT'S NOTHING?!"

"Just do it." he finally said.

So I got on the phone and told the midwife on the other end of the phone what happened...

Shit. I've got to go in.

Bag is packed and ready. Check.

I froze.. "Right... shall I call for a taxi or Granddad?"

"Your Granddad" Andy replied

"Yes but it's nearly 4 o'clock, he might not be up, I don't want to wake him.."

"Just call him Niv."

So I ring Nan (and for some reason she's awake at that time)

"Hello?" She answers down the phone in a tired voice.

"Nan it's me..." I said in absolute tears

"Your waters have broken haven't they"

"I don't know, I think so, I wet myself twice and it's not smelly and it's clear"

"That's what it is." (My Nan many years ago worked in the Maternity Ward)

"Well I have to go in... I'm scared."

"Granddad is awake and he's coming over to you now."

"Nan (I dramatically cried in hysterics) I'm so scared!"

"Don't be silly, you'll be fine. We love you"

- - - - - End of phone call - - - - -

After saying bye, Granddad turned up, we left with a suitcase and a plastic bag full of biscuits, water and Non-fizz Lucozade (the midwives will tell you to have these for your energy), I looked at the clock in the car dead on 4am and my first contraction started, it was faint but I knew what it was.

We got in, the midwives escorted us to a room.

"This is it. No it isn't.. It might not happen" I thought to myself.

I had to do a urine test to see if my waters had broke..

10 minuets later the midwife came back in... "It seems the hind waters have broken, behind her head, so...You're staying in, so make yourself comfy on this bed"

Shit. It's happening.

I don't know wether I'm excited or scared.

The same midwife came in and sat on the edge of the bed "right, I have to stick my fingers up, ok?"

"Urm.. Ok" I said worryingly.

"You will feel a discomfort" she said.... She wasn't kidding.

"Ok, so now I'm putting something up your vagina, it's a piece of thread with a small bit at the end, which is full of hormones.

That was a f***ing weird sensation.

So she leaves the room, Andy and I look at each other like "What now?"

10 minuets in another midwife comes in... "What's happening?" I asked

"Don't you know you're being induced?" You what.

"Yes, you're having your baby soon" she said excitingly..

I wasn't excited. I was f***ing bricking it.

"Oh my god Andy, it's happening!" I said to him what was JUST said in front of him.

Exhaling out "Yeah.. It's weird."

Ever watched a soap or a film where a lady gives birth?

It's nothing like that.

Ever watched OBEM (One Born Every Minute)? I wouldn't know, I refused to watch it.

Basically, it's not as romanticised as it is in films and programs.

OBEM uses the labours with drama.

The beginning of my labour was disgusting.

There was a pad underneath me to collect urine... It was covered with it all.

It was a HUGE release of pressure (what I thought was wee) gushed out EVERYWHERE.

There we go. Waters have broken and it's still gushing out.

Oh,here comes the bloody gunk with the Amniotic fluid seeping out of my virgin vagina.

Oh god. My vagina will be as big as space... I will be known as "The One with the Bucket".

Ok. Here comes the pain. The contractions where HORRIBLE. I HATED IT. I was able to bite off my NHS plastic ID bracelet, I cried, I screamed!

"OH F*************!!"

"F***ING HELLLLLLL!!!"

"THIS F***ING HURTS!"

"MAKE IT STOP!"

"SOMEONE HELP ME!!!!"

Two hours or so with intensive screaming, a midwife came in and said "Oh bless you, I didn't know it was you screaming. If you would have told me earlier I would have sorted you out quicker."

I was given pills.

It did jack shite.

I was in more pain.

I wanted a natural birth so NOTHING is going to be injected into me.

Oh, my first ever cannula... I hate my wrists being touched. But I had Strep B so I needed to have medicine dripped into me so there are no risks for Bonnie to get ill.

Hours of horrible pains and Mutti (what I call my Mum) came through the door

"MUM!" I cried "Help me"

"Oh Darling, I'm here now" She said as she sat down, held my hands and embraced her with her shakes.

I felt her love.

It was pure, motherly. It was as if her motherly vibes were being passed onto me.

I love her so dearly.

I screamed more, I cried more.

"F***ING C**T F***ING HELL F***ING F***ING OH MY F***ING GOD I HATE BEING A WOMAN"

"Sorry for the swearing" I'd immediately said to the midwives

They'd laugh and say "That is alright"

I would never shout at them or call them names.

They deserve respect.

I screamed more.

I cried more.

I have never been in so much pain in my life.

Another midwife came into the room, "Are you in pain?" she asked

Am I in pain? IS she having a f***ing joke?

"Right, lets give you gas and air" she said

Mum agreed, "This will be amazing. Its amazing. I loved this"

I inhaled in

"Inhale more"

I was scared that I'll die from the gas

"No, it is suited for you to have the right amount of gas and air for you to inhale and exhale". She informed me

So I had a few, and what the f***. The movies where right with this.

All of a sudden, you and everyone speaks in a really low voice and very slow.

It was fucking amazing.

It stopped the pain in which you can't think about it BUT you can still feel it.

Mum and Andy laughed at me.

They tried to give me water and lucozade, I refused.

All I wanted was f***ing ice cream.

I was hot and sweaty.

Literally, sweaty Betty.

I was so f***ing high, I was not with it at all.

Then suddenly I turn around and Andy is gone,

I cried... "Where's Andy?"

He went to McDonalds.

He left me for Maccies.

What the f***.

What if I give birth and he comes in saying:

"Sorry I'm late, but I grabbed a cheeseburger for 99p".

I was livid.

I couldn't understand time.

Suddenly he came back, and what a babe... He brought me a McFlurry.

I cried with happiness, I haven't had one for 9 months.

I wanted to get up and go for a wee, I got out of bed and took the canister with me... I got back to the bed and stood there where I, yet again, wet myself badly. "I WET MYSELF" I shouted.

Instantly Andy was on it with the tissues.

A Lady came in, "A friend is waiting to see you.. Catriona?"

"Yep, I'm getting up, I'm going to see her."

I got up, shoved my grown on and slippers.. I walked passed the desk

"Hey guys, I'm so high" I said to the midwives at the desk.. "Hello Nivana, enjoying that?"

I nodded with tired eyes.

I got to the door and saw her, my oldest friend (who I have known since I was 3), I instantly hugged her and whispered in her ear "I'm so f***ing high, it's amazing".

I love her.

She was there for me. Thank you.

Hours later, I was back to crying and being in pain, a midwife came in and asked "Would you like some Pethidine?"

I hesitated, I wanted a natural birth...

I gave in and said "F*** IT! If it stops this pain, I'll do anything" (Mind you I am dosed up on 2x codeine and 2x paracetamol WITH gas and air).

Best and only legal high moment ever.

I was so f***ed.

From what I remember, Andy, mum and I watched The Apprentice on the laptop..

I slept most of it.

Mum became to tired (Her Parkinson's started playing up) and had to go home.

I wish she stayed with me.

We were told to pack up because we were moving to another room.

But it didn't happen.

This was MY birthing room. Room No.7.

Every time I had a contraction, Andy was up with the Gas and Air saying "Come on babe, Gas and air"

Oh my god.

I was going to punch him.

"If you say that one more f***ing time, I will shove that somewhere you won't want it to go."

He didn't give a shit and still did his thing.

I cried and screamed again, a midwife came in and said "I'm going to check your dilation now... Well done, you're cirvix has dilated 2cm"

2 cm..

Are you f***ing kidding me?

2 f***ing centimeters.

I have been in so much fucking pain.

"When can I push?!" I asked

"You have to be between 6-10"

I sighed, "I can't do this anymore."

Hours later, my first midwife came back in, a lovely lady called Jo.

Mad, lovely and wonderful.

She was so proud that I took control over myself from being this hysterical mad woman screaming to trying to get on with it.

Hours later, She checked my dilation...

Right, you can push.

FINALLY!

Right... Pushing..

Andy's step mother said you push like you go for a poo.

Pushing was f***ing horrid.

How to explain it like both genders can understand..

Imagine IBS playing up, Cramps (period pains) and shitting out a bowling ball.

Yes. That's it.

I was made to sit on this toilet thing,

I squatted on it, Andy was sat behind me holding my hands and saying "Come on babe, you can do it."

I could not ask for anyone else to be the father of my child.

I love him with all of my heart and life.

PUSHING

PUSHING

PUSHING

EEERRRUUUGGGHHH!

OH SOMETHING IS COMING!

.......

I just went for a shit.

Arugh.

Right, I give up, lets go to the edge of the bed.

Lets be like those amazing African women who squat and let gravity take it's course.

PUSH

PUSHING

PUSHING

Nothing.

Right, all fours on the bed.

My cannulas where coming out of my wrists ( I had to have another drip for fluids because I refused to drink), the machines kept making a f***ing dinging sound.

Right

PUSH

PUSHING

PUSHING

Nothing.

Mind you, poor Jo kept having to look at my vagina going "You're doing so well, you can do it! Another push, Can you do a bigger push for me?"

Right f*** this,

I laid on the bed with Andy and Jo sorting out the Stirrups for my legs to be up in the air.

Right, this feels good.

PUSH

PUSH

PUUUUUUUSSSSSSHHHHHH

They both looked in amazement and the five words that every woman in labour loves to hear

"I can see the head!"

Her head is coming out of my poor poor vagina.

Bless me.

Andy just stood their and watched in shock..

Pushing and pushing I struggled.

The next thing I knew, 7 people came rushing in with machines..

The f*** is going on?

A male Greek doctor came in and took over.

He got out a pair of scissors and cut into my vagina,

OW!

WHAT THE F***?!

He instructed me with what to do.

Push, hold, breath, push push, hold, breath

A head came out

Push, hold, breath, push push, hold, breath

A head and one shoulder.

Shit

I've trapped her other shoulder

Right, shit has gotten real.

The doctor instructed me

Push, hold, breath, push push, hold, breath

and a sudden relief and jelly like thing came out of my vagina.

A wet, bloody baby was then flopped onto me.

They then took her off me and took her somewhere else..

I heard CPR and I freaked..

No cries..

My heart stopped...

And then, a quiet cry came out.

Andy came over to me, held my hand, looked into my eyes and in tears said

"We've done it Niv. I love you. I'm so proud of you"

They gave her back to me,

I looked at her and thought "You came out of me?!"

Mind you, I'm still lying on the bed with my legs in the air and being on full display because the Doctor is stitching my vagina up.

No get her off me. This isn't fair.

"Daddy, skin to skin" The midwife instructed Andy to take off his shirt.

I watched them two, he cradled her in his arms and she felt his beard.

The song that was playing on the stereo was Perth by Bon Iver.

That song will forever stay with me.

I held her...

The world stopped.

It was us three now.

And forever.

8th October 2016

2:57am

Boniver Evie Cluer.

I'm never doing that again.