Identity

I wanted a night off from blogging, have an early nights sleep because Bonnie kept me up most of the night and wouldn't let me have a lie in.

But I feel like today, I need to write up how I feel.

No one please, please tell me different.

I have been feeling belittled.

Belittled by everyone; whatever I do it very very bad, but when someone does the same, it's totally fine.

It is totally not fine.

Right.

'Identity' to me after having a baby.

I have lost my identity.

Okay, you may see me as 'Nivana' but to me, I am not Nivana anymore.

I use to be happy.

But now, I always desire more.

I try to change myself, and because I did that since 2012/13.. I've lost myself entirely.

I hate myself.

I hate my body.

I'm writing this next to Andy and I feel selfish to feel like this,

but it's the honest truth.

I somewhat hate my life.

My mum isn't well and is waiting for her Deep Brain Stimulation,

I hate watching her getting worse.

It seems everyone is going further in life

and I go back to my situation and ... I don't know where to begin.

Oh, don't get me wrong. I am so so so lucky to have an amazing family.

Sometimes I don't feel good enough.

I'm the black sheep.

Why?

Because I'm fat

Because I look at the past

Because it hurts

Because I'm lost

Because I crave

Because I've been mentally abused

Because I'm jealous

Because I dream

Because I miss

Because I grieve

Because I want to hurt myself

Because I want to be skinny

Because I used to be skinny

Because I used to be a size 6

Because I want to be happy

Because I want to have that smile I had when I was a child.

Because I want to be good at something

Because I got bullied

Because I use to be called Crusty

Because I use to be called Crusty Nipples

Because I use to be called Michael Jackson

Because my friends have shown their true colours

Because some really love me

Because some are people I shouldn't care about.

Because I did really well at the start of my theatre career

Because I felt I was being bullied by my teacher

Because I was scared

Because I took drugs

Because I got drunk

Because I couldn't dance like the other students

Because I felt I couldn't go further in Theatre

Because no one tells me I'm doing it right.

Because I didn't know my Dad until I was 15

Because I always want to make my Granddad proud.

Because I always feel compared too

Because I feel like a shit mum

Because I don't look at myself in a positive way

Because I've watched my mum get worse and worse with her Parkinson's

Because I'm an only child

Because I've tried to drown myself twice

Because I was bulimic.

Because I was 'chubby'

Because I was cheated on

Because I love art

Because I love theatre

Because I'm not good at art

Because I don't know where to start

Because I'm scared of being cheated on

Because I get scared that other girls are better than me

Because I have the life that many would love

Because I have a man that many women would love

Because I'm tired

Because I'm selfish

Because I want to be someone else

Because I have Psoriasis

Because It's hideous

Because it's beautiful

Because it hurts

Because it makes me cry

Because I get stressed

Because of my anxieties

Because of my depression

Because of my thoughts

Because I went wrong on the first day Boniver came home

Because I was a new mother

Because I love Andy

Because I wanted his child

Because it is what it is.

Andy is an amazing man. I love him with all of my heart.

Boniver is a beautiful, clever little miracle that came into this world.