Baby Manual: Issue 1. Sweet Slumber

Please understand the fact that you cannot be 'Super Mum', the term 'super mum' does not exist in the title alike to 'Super Man', 'Cat Woman', 'Wolverine.. (actually, you can call yourself this if you don't have time at all to shave and hair is coming out of everywhere)' or 'Spider Man'. However, you definitely be A 'super mum' by doing a fantastic job looking after your little one/s and you can claim yourself that prize : A glass (or in my case, a bottle of Rosé) of wine, a cupper, a cheeky fag/vape or whatever you fancy that makes you feel like you are accomplished.

Guess what? There is such thing as 'I GET F***ING SLEEP!' and you want to gloat it to everyone. But unfortunately, there is a definite thing called 'I'm so f***ing tired. Kill me' to being a mother.

It's called 'creating a routine', which you create to suit you and your baby's body time (when I mean body time, I mean when you're ok and they're tired. You will probably fall asleep next to them, but it's fine) and your chores/daily doings.

So here is my step - by - step guide to putting your little one to bed without MUCH (I didn't say no) hassle:

STEP 1 - H A V E A S E T T I M E :

Boniver's set time use to be 10PM. It was hard because Andy would be coming home from work or art exhibitions and I would ALWAYS have to be with someone at home with me (I am slowly getting better on my own) or we would want the evening and really didn't understand that our mental wellbeing is being not tired and being comfortable with when you want to go to sleep.

I was so tired, unwell all the time because I forced myself to stay awake because Bonnie wouldn't get tired until about 10pm. So, my Nan being my Nan thought I was becoming anaemic so I was taken to the Doctors.

The first thing she asked: "Do you get much sleep?"... Do I get much sleep? No. None what to ever. I had to stay awake with that f***ing breast pump to make 1-2 bottles for her to have for when she wakes up.

"What time do you put her to bed?" ... "Around 10pm.."

"That is very late. Why don't you make an earlier time to put her down and you go to sleep when she sleeps. Then Daddy can do the later feed?" ... Barbaric.

That simply cannot happen. Bonnie, going to sleep? PUH. I have more chance of growing chest hair than her actually closing her eyes and sleeping!!

She did sleep... Only... Not in her cot. She hates her cot. But we were so adamant of her not sleeping in our bed that we did everything we could. We all even ended up falling asleep on the couch at 2am because she didn't want to sleep in her cot.

But guess what? It worked. We now have a time between 7-7:30 (before Andy gets home from work and we have eaten tea).

... Guess I'll keep an eye out for hairs growing from my boobs. RAZOR AT THE READY!

STEP 2 - M A K E T H E M A B A T H :

So, I thought it was more unnecessary stuff that my Nan bought... She firstly bought this f***ing huge bath tub with a stand... We had no room to put it everywhere. And to get it the exact 36-37 degrees was a flaming curse. We hated that thing. It still hasn't gone yet. We had to put it in between the door because we really didn't have enough room. Yes, they will scream at first. You wouldn't have thought it would be such a problem since they've been in an enclosed space full of water?

Bonnie hated it for the first few times. She now hates getting out of it.

But in fact, it was an amazing idea. It's a mini bath tub, you put in your bath tub and it has a seat thing inside it? But you STILL HAVE to be with them constantly. The water should be 36-37 degrees, I go by the 'if it's not too hot and not too cold' way.

Baby shampoo and bubble bath is amazing. It makes them feel they're back in the womb. But this time, it's more fun with toys all around them!

STEP 3 - W A R M U P A P A I R O F T O W E L S :

Have two towels ready on the radiator or in the airing cupboard, ready to be used for when they get out; one for when they come out of the bath, and the other ready on the mat for them to change on without feeling the chill. Put their vests and grows on too, so they are snug as a bug in a rug.

STEP 4 - B O T T L E O R B O O B :

Time to eat before bed! Andy usually has a bottle ready for her when she's gotten dressed for bed. I feed her in the bedroom until she's finished or when she's too tired to drink anymore, burp her, then put her down to sleep.

STEP 5 - T H E P A C A F I R E :

If they fidget, don't fret to give them a pacifier or dummy, do do, do dee or whatever you call it.

We tried to keep Bonnie away from Dummies.

But if anything, I'm blessed they exist.

STEP 6 - S N U G G L E T H E M W I T H L O V E :

Literally what the title says. Sing them a lullaby, watch their favriout TV program that sends them to sleep (Bonnie loves In The Night Garden. At first you get addicted... But you can get sick of hearing their stupid voices), read them a book (I strongly advise this, even if they aren't reading it. The fact they're hearing your voice calmly, makes them happy and comfortable) or just talk to them and stroke their face.

That is our routine, and I wish someone told ME how to do it. So here I am: helping you.

...It's my favourite time of the day.