Wannabe

So here I am, I spent all day yesterday and today literally posing like the image above me (I did not do this image, but she very much looks like me) thinking of what to do WITH MY LIFE.

What can I do? Who can I be?

Since I finished University, I literally go onto the internet and type 'What should I do with my life quiz' and literally... I spend hours figuring my 'thing'. The thing that Bonnie can gloat to her friends "my mummy does..."

Not "My Daddy is a internationally known artist! And mum... She's just at home".

That is my fear. I always said, if I had children, I would always want them to be proud of me.

I have very much come to my conclusion that I am: a 'wannabe'.

I am a 'wannabe' artist, a 'wannabe' thin, amazing, can do no wrong mum, a 'wannabe' theatre manager, a 'wannabe' dancer, a 'wannabe' crafter, a 'wannabe' girl that has the look for fashion and just a 'wannabe'.

And because of my depression, I do very much doubt myself a lot. I hate myself really. Truly and honestly.

Before I fell pregnant, I had DREAMS, GOALS and AMBITIONS... But... Nothing lights up my flame anymore.

And I sit here and watch many people my age go further in life with the same dreams as I had.. Mostly, I didn't get help and they did, I suffered with very bad jealousy of other students. I always thought I would succeed. But I was always compared too.

I didn't get into drama school.

I won't ever get to perform at The National Theatre or The Globe.

All the characters I created, mostly they got bad marks.

I felt useless.

I haven't got the foggiest idea of what to do.

So Andy says "Things happen when its the right time" or "you have your whole life ahead of you"..

Ok yes.

But I want to feel good with myself now

Stop all this anxiety and depression.

I can do my 'thing'

Get noticed

Feel wanted by people

Not having to become jealous of others like I do now.

I want to know WHO I AM.

I am not able to attend performances or exhibitions anymore, and quite frankly.. I'm not sure if that's fate telling me that's not my path.

But I love it.

Mum suggests I do another course...

Ok..

The world is mine oyster, yet I need to find my pearl.

What should I study?!

People are attending things now.

The past two days, there have been exhibitions I have missed because motherhood makes you have priorities.

I feel alone now.

I felt alone

I felt shit and not knowing what to do with myself

I feel that everyone is in different circles and I'm bobbling on my own.

They may ask about me, but I don't get asked first hand.

I feel no one bothers with me.

I try and be creative, but like my past.. I'm not noticed.

And because of the fact I NEED approval from people,

I feel like a twat and wasted my time

I get frustrated with myself

I get depressed and feel like a joke.

And therefor a 'wannabe'.

It's a never ending cycle, but it always ends up me doubting myself and not doing anything.

That's my depression. PND.