Jealous Of Art

I think, being a mum and becoming a mum is hard work, very.

Physically and emotionally.

And it's even harder when you're at home and your other half/husband has gone to work.

Shit.

What do we do now?

'We' as is all the women in the world feeling exactly the same as me in this moment.

The moment of this thing crying and panicking WHAT THE F*** DO I DO?!

So I've had a tough time with this emotion.

The first week Andy went back to work,

I would be rocking back and forth on the sofa,

Not eaten and making sure Boniver is happy and quiet.

Because at this point, we (mums) don't understand the cries yet..

And in month's time, we're telepathic.

But we don't believe that at the beginning.

We think we're failures, well... I did.

And it hit me pretty badly.

And when Andy was home, it was easier

I had time to clean everything

Clean the flat.

Because if I didn't, I would have had my family at me.

When, I just didn't want to wake up.

I hated my time at the beginning.

Even now I still get emotional and sometimes not wanting to wake up.

But now, it's not the panic anymore of Andy not being here.

It's the fact that I feel lonely.

His job means that he can work most of the week 9-5.

And so I sometimes don't see him much.

And It upsets me..

I miss it when we could just up and go to a gallery opening,

but it's shit that I have to be at home.

I love being with Bonnie,

I don't like the fact that I feel like a boring person,

and everyone else in my life (Facebook and Instagram) seem happy

and I'm not.

On my own.

Wanting to/drinking wine.

Not too much.

Just enough.

Like now, I've had a glass to go with my 'me' time.

But I don't like having 'me' time all the time.